More Adoption Dumping

“The Primal Wound” has arrived. Before I start reading, I’m going to dump some more thoughts about the whole adoption concept. I need to. Too much is stewing around in my brain. I’m not saying this to sound at all condescending, but it is very difficult to talk about this with other non-adopted folks. It isn’t their fault, but there is absolutely NO WAY for them to understand. Extreme empaths can likely get it more than most, but living it is different. I know very few adopted people in real life and even less I’d feel comfortable sharing with, so here I dump on my blog.

I’d like to talk about my birth-mom, person one in the Triad. I don’t begrudge her one bit for giving me up for adoption. At the time of life she was in and the various issues that were swirling around her at the time, relinquishing me made the most sense. I can intellectualize this as an adult. As a child, however, I always used to wonder the proverbial…why? Simply stated for my situation, she wanted more for me than she had the capability of giving at the time.  I hope, if she ever reads this, that there is no confusion over me musing over all of this with anger at her.

Where my anger lies, quite honestly, is how adoption is handled and the denial by the system, the adoptive parents, psychotherapists, etc… that it DOES CAUSE PROBLEMS in the adoptee. Maybe not all adoptees, but I’d venture to say most. No, I really do think all. Ones that think they don’t have problems are in denial. I really believe that. Find me one adoptee that has not wondered where they came from and why they were given up. Even if they don’t ask these questions of others, I will go out on a limb to say they have asked it in the corner of their heart. As one blog I read said,

This is the only time I ever see the connection between mother and child dismissed.

This is the only time I ever see the connection between mother and child dismissed. Ever ever ever. It’s always in the adoption context. Where I see the importance of in-utero theories and anecdotes fly out the proverbial window. Where the role of biological mother is not defended and as long as resilience happens with adequate care, it is implied roles are replaceable and it doesn’t matter in the long run. Adoptive families replace the biological connection, but it really doesn’t matter because the biological connection suddenly doesn’t exist in adoption-land and lacks any significance. If it has any significance, resilience is the magic word.

Please don’t misunderstand me, okay? I’m not saying those who feel trauma can’t overcome it and that it will ruin their day-to-day lives. I’m not saying they can’t fully and completely love their adoptive families. I’m not saying they can’t hold good jobs, lead awesome careers, can’t find a significant other, can’t hold any long-term relationships.

I am pointing out the absurdity that all the things that are important when a mother keeps her conceived child suddenly disappear once adoption enters the picture.

This is VERY true. In an effort not to hurt the infertile couple (or just the couple adopting), all of the bonding with the biological mother over a period of 9 months is ignored. The adopting mother gets to “pretend” that period never took place and that she is now the mother.

But to me, “mother” is a noun and a verb. Yes, the adopting mother will be acting as mother…the verb. But to the child, the noun mother is no longer there.  The person who she will recognize in a delivery room isn’t present.

I’m interested to read the treatment of these subjects in the book.  I’m interested to see how I will respond to what is in there. I hope this will bring some closure to some issues that I’ve had throughout life but haven’t been able to trace back to a known source.

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