Random Thoughts

I’m sitting here trying to compose my thoughts enough to write a coherent blog post, and I have to admit. I am at a complete loss. Once again, my head is swirling with so many thoughts, its hard to extract one to build on. Some things I’d really like to write about include the reading and studying I’ve been doing in order to lead a book/Bible study for moms. What an awesome privilege God has called me to do! We are studying “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp. It is such an excellent book. Maybe I should break it down by chapter and just have an entry per chapter so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming to write about.

Then there is just the awesome joy of being a mom. I’m rarely one of those gushy types who wallows in all things motherhood, but recently (probably because of the Bible study) I’ve just been finding more and more joy looking at my babies. I see them as these unique little beings that God has gifted me with to guide. Samuel has already shown his big personality. Everything about him is big from his physical presence, to his stature. He is a confident little boy. While he is what I would term “all boy” and a bit rough and tumble, he has this beautiful sensitive side. The care I see him exhibit towards his little brother just warms me. So many people told me to expect problems after Charlie’s birth in terms of maybe some resentment and attention getting stunts or acting out towards the baby. I have had none of that. Samuel is so in tune with his little brother. It makes me think they have a deep connection that I am just not meant to understand yet. I think the most extraordinary thing I see is how much Samuel anticipates him. He anticipates his sleep, his wakings, and his hunger. He tells ME things I should be doing for Charlie. This is from a two and a half year old. How amazing is that?! Charlie is just a joy. I’ve been around a lot of babies in my time, but Charlie is hands down the happiest I’ve ever come across. How did I get so blessed to have him? His unique little personality has started to emerge in full-force. All I can say is that I think I need to be prepared for a little comedic person. He seeks you out by smiling and giggling at you to get you to smile and giggle back at him.

I’m also just madly in love with my husband. I get so much joy out of being his wife. I think that’s saying something given the amount of crap we’ve endured in our relatively short marriage. But every day he wakes up to me and tells me I”m the most beautiful person on the planet, inside and out and how he can’t believe that I would choose to be with him. Wow! Every day I get that, along with heaps of affection. I am never ever wanting for displays of love. Those “displays of love” are probably why we also have two kids in less than three years of marriage. HAHA! In all seriousness though, I don’t think I could be more attracted to someone’s whole being. It has been so amazing to be a part of his growth, too.  I met him as a near suicidal man who didn’t care if the earth opened up and swallowed him, to where he is now…an active husband, father, friend, member of our church, and servant in our community. It just blows me away.

I can feel a transformation in myself as well. While driving back from dropping my step-son off last night, husband and I were talking about various parts of our pasts. As I recounted some stories from my college years especially, the dysfunction in my mind really stood out. I still haven’t pieced together how I got to that point entirely, but I’m very aware of it and how miserable I was. I was looking for love and approval in places that ended up hurting me dearly. However much the pain, though, I am better for it. Instead of hardening me, it has made me more soft and more malleable to learn and grow. I’ve seen how God has taken bad choices I’ve made and just tragedy that has come my way and shaped me into a more empathetic and more caring person who has been able to pay forward some life lessons. One thing is for sure, though…I have a long way to go! That encourages me more than disheartens me. I never want to stop learning and growing.

Oh so much more on my mind and in my heart, but I need to get back to straightening up my house:-)

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