What is it like?

I’ve been wondering what it is like to not feel every single emotion to an inhumane level every single day of life? I don’t mean to ask that in a way that condescends or lessens/devalues people unlike me, but I truly wonder more out of a curiosity thing. Its the one empath power I cannot harness.

What is it like to go through a day and remain blissfully unaware of other people? What is it like to be able to read a book and not cry like you’re actually living the character’s life? What is like to be able to think of the past and not feel everything as if it were happening today? What is it like to be able to my own self at the top of the priority list instead of worrying about what everyone else is going through first? What is it like to not wear other’s pain or happiness or frustration? What is like to not see 50 different paths of outcomes from one single event simultaneously and ruminate to death over each of them? What is like to just act and not be bombarded with other’s reactions to your action? What is it like to not see everyone’s perspective? What is it like to accept a smile for just a smile instead of knowing what lie it is covering up? What is it like to pass a homeless person and dismiss them as trash because you don’t know that they haven’t been able to get a job for over a year? What is it like to go visit a hospital and not feel death? What is it like to listen to music and not have every pore vibrate and sing? What is it like to look at someone’s eyes and notice simply the color instead of the entire life that is behind them? What is it like to truly hate someone because you remain oblivious to their humanity?

I’ve blocked. I’ve grounded. I try to ignore. I mantra myself to let other’s worry about themselves. I’ve done everything in my power to make what happens to me as healthy and least disruptive to me as possible, but I can’t make it stop. For as much as I can put myself into other’s shoes, the shoes of not feeling are the shoes I can never wear. After thinking about it, I don’t know if I’d want it to wear those shoes. But then, some days, like today, I might like to try them on, just for an hour.

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