I haven’t written for some time. I took a timeout to finish my pregnancy, work, have the baby, and get into some sort of routine with 3, sometimes 4 kids (when my stepson is here) now ranging from infant to 7, and going back to work. There are days I think I’m crazy. You’d think with 4 kids, constant weekend travel to get my stepson, managing the house, and working as a preschool director, I’d be burnt out and my marriage suffer.
Quite the contrary! I think I can honestly say that my marriage has never been better. I attribute some of it to not having the time for the passive-aggressive bullshit that seems to plague so many couples. I have massive needs that need feeling with everything going on in my life, so I’ve learned (mostly from my extremely direct husband) to be simply state what I need or want. We both try to never assume what the other is thinking or feeling and ask a lot of questions of the other. If something hurts our feelings or makes us angry, we talk about it. We’ve had some epic arguments to be sure, but we are both pretty good about growing from the experience and learning more about the other so next time, we can manage situations and emotional states better.
This is all great, but what I really want to talk about in this post is sex. S-E-X. Sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. I don’t care what anyone else says, if you’ve got great sex going on, everything else seems to fall into place. It is the one that that separates you from friendship. I am a firm believer that spouses need to be lovers first and foremost. After having 3 kids in 4 years of marriage, PLUS a stepchild, I am a prime candidate for the whole “I have a headache, I’m too tired, I need some me time” routine. I have all of those things repeatedly. I am EXHAUSTED about 90% of the time. I never sleep enough. I get headaches frequently. Ten minutes of alone time in the shower or a trip by myself to the grocery store is living large for me these days. But I still find time to sexually connect to my husband every single day. Yup, you read that right. Every. Single. Day. If we happen to skip actual intercourse because both of us are not up for it, then we cuddle, makeout and grope and still try to do something physically connecting.
My point to writing this is simple. HAVE SEX. Lots of it. If you’re out of the routine of it, get back into the routine. It is like exercising. It is making it a priority and just doing it. There are some days, I really don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. However, I can promise that if my husband wants to and I just go with it, I get in the mood pretty fast and always end up enjoying myself and the connection it gives me with my husband. Like exercise, it actually does become addicting. All sorts of happy chemicals happen when you have an orgasm. Three months post-partum and I want sex more now than ever. Why? Because I’m having it.
The other thing? When hubby’s physical touch needs are met (Touch is his primary love language), he listens better, is more attentive to me, and has a sincere desire to please me and make sure I feel attractive. I am blessed that he is constantly telling me how beautiful I look and how he is so attracted to me. Even though I don’t personally feel the least bit attractive, his words fill me up and I can’t help but respond to him. While I can’t speak for all husbands out there, the conversations my husband has with other men seems to support that men NEED physical connection to their wives.
If your sex life is in a rut, or flat out non-existent, be encouraged! Make it a priority, even if you have to schedule it. Put the kids to bed early (that particular one is a big haha for me since I have one child (the 2 year old) who REFUSES to sleep in any sort of a reasonable manner). Find someone to watch your kids so you can go out on a date. Eat dinner late after the kids have gone to bed and pretend to be on a date. Drink some wine. Watch a sexy movie. Read something hot and steamy. Sex text. Do it in a new room. Christen a sofa or a guest bed. Take a bath together. Wear an outfit he/she likes. Give your spouse a massage. Bring home take-out so your spouse doesn’t have to cook.
There are so many ways to jump-start, but START! You won’t regret it and you may just find yourself falling in love all over with your spouse and having an even better marriage than you’ve ever had before. I am more IN LOVE with my spouse today, this very minute, than I ever have been before. I know this is because we are each others’ lover first. Then we are parents. While we love our children intensely, our marriage is our number one priority. It has to be! Stress over children, money, his ex-wife, being separated from his first child, and all of the other every day things life throws at you, can tear up a marriage very quickly. None of our life has been easy, but it has been so much more tolerable (and most days downright enjoyable) when my husband and I take the time to enjoy each other.
I PROMISE you that you won’t regret having more sex with your spouse. Now…go get a room:-)