Sex and Marriage

I haven’t written for some time. I took a timeout to finish my pregnancy, work, have the baby, and get into some sort of routine with 3, sometimes 4 kids (when my stepson is here) now ranging from infant to 7, and going back to work. There are days I think I’m crazy. You’d think with 4 kids, constant weekend travel to get my stepson, managing the house, and working as a preschool director, I’d be burnt out and my marriage suffer.

Quite the contrary! I think I can honestly say that my marriage has never been better. I attribute some of it to not having the time for the passive-aggressive bullshit that seems to plague so many couples. I have massive needs that need feeling with everything going on in my life, so I’ve learned (mostly from my extremely direct husband) to be simply state what I need or want. We both try to never assume what the other is thinking or feeling and ask a lot of questions of the other. If something hurts our feelings or makes us angry, we talk about it. We’ve had some epic arguments to be sure, but we are both pretty good about growing from the experience and learning more about the other so next time, we can manage situations and emotional states better.

This is all great, but what I really want to talk about in this post is sex. S-E-X. Sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. I don’t care what anyone else says, if you’ve got great sex going on, everything else seems to fall into place. It is the one that that separates you from friendship. I am a firm believer that spouses need to be lovers first and foremost. After having 3 kids in 4 years of marriage, PLUS a stepchild, I am a prime candidate for the whole “I have a headache, I’m too tired, I need some me time” routine. I have all of those things repeatedly. I am EXHAUSTED about 90% of the time. I never sleep enough. I get headaches frequently. Ten minutes of alone time in the shower or a trip by myself to the grocery store is living large for me these days. But I still find time to sexually connect to my husband every single day. Yup, you read that right. Every. Single. Day. If we happen to skip actual intercourse because both of us are not up for it, then we cuddle, makeout and grope and still try to do something physically connecting.

My point to writing this is simple. HAVE SEX. Lots of it. If you’re out of the routine of it, get back into the routine. It is like exercising. It is making it a priority and just doing it. There are some days, I really don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. However, I can promise that if my husband wants to and I just go with it, I get in the mood pretty fast and always end up enjoying myself and the connection it gives me with my husband. Like exercise, it actually does become addicting. All sorts of happy chemicals happen when you have an orgasm. Three months post-partum and I want sex more now than ever.  Why? Because I’m having it.

The other thing? When hubby’s physical touch needs are met (Touch is his primary love language), he listens better, is more attentive to me, and has a sincere desire to please me and make sure I feel attractive. I am blessed that he is constantly telling me how beautiful I look and how he is so attracted to me. Even though I don’t personally feel the least bit attractive, his words fill me up and I can’t help but respond to him. While I can’t speak for all husbands out there, the conversations my husband has with other men seems to support that men NEED physical connection to their wives.

If your sex life is in a rut, or flat out non-existent, be encouraged! Make it a priority, even if you have to schedule it. Put the kids to bed early (that particular one is a big haha for me since I have one child (the 2 year old) who REFUSES to sleep in any sort of a reasonable manner). Find someone to watch your kids so you can go out on a date. Eat dinner late after the kids have gone to bed and pretend to be on a date. Drink some wine. Watch a sexy movie. Read something hot and steamy. Sex text. Do it in a new room. Christen a sofa or a guest bed. Take a bath together. Wear an outfit he/she likes. Give your spouse a massage. Bring home take-out so your spouse doesn’t have to cook.

There are so many ways to jump-start, but START! You won’t regret it and you may just find yourself falling in love all over with your spouse and having an even better marriage than you’ve ever had before. I am more IN LOVE with my spouse today, this very minute, than I ever have been before. I know this is because we are each others’ lover first. Then we are parents. While we love our children intensely, our marriage is our number one priority. It has to be! Stress over children, money, his ex-wife, being separated from his first child, and all of the other every day things life throws at you, can tear up a marriage very quickly. None of our life has been easy, but it has been so much more tolerable (and most days downright enjoyable) when my husband and I take the time to enjoy each other.

I PROMISE you that you won’t regret having more sex with your spouse. Now…go get a room:-)

Feeling Through Music

I almost went to school to be a music therapist. At this stage of my life, I’m sorry I didn’t. Sometimes I struggle to not absolutely beat myself up for all of my missed opportunities, but I’m trying to get to a place of acceptance that those things just simply are not.

To assuage my feelings of self-disappointment, I often poke around trying to find songs that make me feel all of the things I don’t want to at the time. Recently, I’ve poked back through some old recommendations, favorites, and songs in the sidebar on youtube when looking at other songs. I’ve found some good stuff.

Here are some songs that absolutely rip out my soul…

Blower’s Daughter – Damian Rice — This song just absolutely makes me weep for some reason. It is almost too painful.

A River Flows In You – Yiruma — AMAZING talented man. I stumbled across this piece and have obsessed about it ever since. This song just…wow.

Music of the Night – Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber — A well-song version of this song touches a place in my soul. I can almost literally feel cradled and rocked and filled with peace. I recently stumbled on a violin instrumental version played by violinist David Garrett. Beautiful! The official recording from American Idol David Cook is also beautiful. I gravitate towards a very clean but raw vocalist on this song instead of more operatic. The ultimate, however, will ALWAYS be Michael Crawford’s version. It is so sensual. A whole body experience really.

Pretty much anything featuring a cello – Gosh, something about a cello. The tone. The vibration of the strings. It is glorious and, to me, a little slice of heaven on earth. I’m absolutely in love with “The Piano Guys” at the moment. They do a version of Coldplay’s “Paradise” that is just INCREDIBLE. Very moving. The pianist is just freaking phenomenal as well. Their version of “Nearer My God to Thee” needs to come with a warning to keep a box of tissue handy. I dare you to make it through without shedding a tear. It features NINE cellos. Oh be still my heart.

After All These Years – Silverchair — Yes, seemingly an odd choice, but the whole song, orchestration, singer, etc… just does it for me. I have no explanation.

And So It Goes – Billy Joel — Completely underrated ballad song of his. The King’s Singers A Cappella version is fantastic as well. I also love his “Lullaby.”

Hide and Seek – Imogen Heap — I was indulging in a rare reality TV moment watching “So You Think You Can Dance” and this was one of the featured songs for a dance. Both the dance and song were so moving. I looked up Ms. Heap and fell in love. This song remains one of my all-time favorites.

I have so many more, but I’m tired and want to just post this for now. Look for a Part II at some point:-) Enjoy looking up some fabulous music!

 

 

 

Updates

This is one of those times I have too many updates and am unsure of where to begin… I guess rambling will do.

Family: I am officially due with baby #3 (#4 for Dh) in 9 days. The thought of caring for 4 children at times scares the ever loving crap out of me. I will have a newborn, a 22-month-old, an almost 4-year-old, and my SS will turn 8 this summer! Some days, I think I’m insane. Oh, and I’m having a little girl! Three boys and one girl… She’s either going to be the girliest girl girl with three very boy boys or a total tom-boy. Time will tell!

Marriage: Totally rocking. I feel like DH and I have really hit a stride with each other. Everything with us just clicks from intimacy to conversation to laughing with each other. There is never a dull moment. We’ve had such amazing amounts of crap thrown at us, yet we have weathered every bit of it coming out not “no worse for wear,” but better, stronger, and closer. I beam when people tell us our marriage is an inspiration to them.

Husband: He’s amazing. I look at where he was in 2006 (a complete and total shell of a man) to where he is today and I just shake my head. With raw honesty, authenticity, and humility, he’s gone from being a broken person to leading a group of men at our church, nominated for deacon, and someone people look up to and know they can depend on. He does all of this with unwavering dedication to always being himself and always being a man. That kind of “realness” is rare and I appreciate so much having a husband like this. Believe me though, he is not for the faint of heart. He challenges me in ways I can’t even articulate.

Me: I’m a mixed bag. I feel closer to myself (I know that’s an odd statement) yet still battling some old demons. Things with my family at large are not good. Things with my husband’s family at large is not good. Despite all I feel I’ve grown into and forgiven within myself, there are always those that don’t want to let you move on. The dynamics around me are very interesting. I also took a job as a preschool director. I manage an 8-person staff of WOMEN. Wow, that’s something I never thought I’d do. It has been a learning experience, that’s for sure. Each woman I lead is as unique as every color in the rainbow.

All of this is rather vague and I’ll try to be more specific in later posts, but those are just a few updates. I’m excited and terrified of my life at the moment.

Dear Diary,

I’ll probably be putting fingers to keys more often. I have a lot of pain welling up inside. Mixed emotions. Fears. Joys. And while I struggle with all of it and what it means to open myself up in vulnerability, I have to process somewhere. Writing usually helps. So here I come, trying to be less perfection and more real.

Thanks for listening,

Kate

Better Than a Hallelujah

I heard this song a few weeks ago and loved it. I thank God that He hears everything and simply rejoices that we take our lives to Him, in whatever shape they are.

Better Than A Hallelujah (sung by Amy Grant)

Songwriters: Hart, Sarah; Hartford, Chapin

God loves a lullaby
In a mother’s tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard’s cry
The soldier’s plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what’s been done
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

A Moment of Joy

I’ve never really heard my husband sing. Sure, I’ve heard him wail AC/DC singer style or be silly and do a lounge voice, but that’s not really hearing someone sing. For 4-years, that’s been a bit frustrating. I mean, I’m a singer. I love to hear people’s voices. It is one of my ways of communing with people and getting to know them. Singing is part of my soul. I always felt like not singing with him, be it only during a hymn on Sunday, was missing a major connecting point for me with him. I appreciated him at least standing up with me and holding the hymnal. I appreciated his graduation to occasionally mouthing the words or whispering along.

I told him a few weeks ago that I really wanted to hear him sing sometime. (I had been saying this for several years now, but said it again anyway.) I told him that I could tell he had a decent voice even from him joking around pretending to sing like other people. Maybe that’s all he needed to hear. Affirmation.

Because today…he sang. Really sang. I could actually hear HIM. He sang a hymn with me. Next to hearing my children’s screaming cry when they were first born, I’ve never heard a more beautiful sound. I couldn’t help the little tears that welled up that I quickly brushed away before anyone else saw. Now, in the comfort of my own home while I sit here alone and think about it, I’m allowing tears to freely flow and I thank God for giving me this desperately needed little moment of happiness.

I have to think that if God can open up the voice of a man who has never sincerely sang in 37 years, He can do just about anything.

The Disease Called Perfection

It has been awhile since I’ve written. Massive amounts of life have gotten in the way. I also have this nasty thing called perfectionism, that occasionally manifests itself as perfection, that also gets in my way. I’ve started about 15 blog posts and never can quite seem to finish them. Sometimes my thoughts run dry as I’m writing. Sometimes It’s because I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I’m just having a stream of consciousness. Navel gazing if you will. Why subject people to that?

But I encountered an article today that made me cry…

For those who know me well, I don’t cry often. I hate crying. Why I hate crying so much is a topic for a different post, but suffice it to say, I avoid it at all costs. I’ve only recently allowed myself to become more vulnerable in front of my husband with the occasional tantrum that might include some tears. Even then, I always chide myself afterward because it seems so…manipulative.

Ok, I’m getting off subject here with the crying. Back to the article. It was titled “The Disease Called Perfection” written by blogger Dan Pearce at Single Dad Laughing. Here is the link… http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html. He wrote a follow-up to it here… http://www.danoah.com/2011/09/the-disease-called-perfection-one-year-later.html

I thought everything he said was beautiful and raw and real. So many of those perfection statements were me, sadly. My dose of real is very scary for me to admit to people, even to myself. You see, I have an image. While I tell a couple of “real” things to one group and maybe a couple of “real” things to another group, the entirety of my “realness” gets hidden. Maybe I’ll get brave soon and hang out some of my real here. It would probably be a good thing.

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